


I Need New Friends

by Elthadriel



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-21
Updated: 2013-06-21
Packaged: 2017-12-15 15:37:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/851194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elthadriel/pseuds/Elthadriel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hawke somehow things it's a good idea to ask Isabela, Varric and Sebstian for advice on how to get Anders interested in him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Need New Friends

**Author's Note:**

> This started as something to kill some time but actually turned out to be quite funny (At least I think so). Hope you enjoy it. Also, yes, Dayen's dog is called Pooch.

"All right!" Dayen Hawke slammed his pint down on the table in front of him, pausing momentarily to mutter darkly as half the contents sloshed over the side. Getting back on track after this brief tangent he addressed the members of his party gathered at the dirty Hanged Man table, "I have a problem."

He looked around, somewhat disappointed by the lack of "Oh no Hawke! How can we help?" In fact, the only response he got was Varric glancing up at him from the cards in his hand before returning his attention to Isabela and their game of diamond back. All right, he should have expected nothing less from the pair of them when gambling but that wasn't the point! He looked over to Sebastian; surely the priest would sympathise with him. Sebastian seemed too busy stuttering and blushing as Nora flirted shamelessly with him to notice Hawke had even sat down.

Doing his best not to sulk, Hawke took a mouthful of beer, glaring over the rim at his three friends, who where still all doing their own thing. Tilting his head back, Hawke made to down his beer, only for the drink to pulled from his grasp.

"Now, now Hawke, we don't want a repeat of last week" Varric grinned at him, handing the drink to Isabela while pocketing his winnings. Oh sure, now they were paying attention.

Deciding he didn't want to hear the story of how he'd danced on this very table in nothing but his small clothes again, he swiftly changed the subject. Why did he have to be such a lightweight? He was certain he was going to have to pay Varric off at some point to make sure that his "funny" drinking stories never became public knowledge. "Look, I need your help. I've been flirting with Anders for the better part of three years now… And nothing! I couldn't be less subtle if I tried," not that he tried being subtle to begin with, "But every time he changes the subject. So, against my better judgement, I want you to give me your advice." Falling silent Hawke finally had three sets of eyes on him, Isabela was the first to speak and the comment pretty much set the tone for the rest of the evening.

"Awh, little Hawke's got a crush" She smiled wickedly, placing down Hawke's now finished drink.

"I'm twenty-three! I am hardly little!" His outburst was completely ignored.

"All right, I can understand why Rivaini's here and me, but why choir-boy?" Varric grinned sideways at Isabela, enjoying toying with their leader as much as she did.

"Hawke said I was here to counter out all of Isabela's thoughts on the matter. I don't believe he wants to be scarred for life by some of the advice she's sure to give." Sebastian seemed to have successful fended off Nora and was now leaning on the table, eyes flicking about between the three of them, "Have you tried getting him a gift?"

"I got him a cat… It tried to kill me before I got a chance to give it to him. Then, Pooch got jealous and scared it off. Not going there again." He looked around, as if genuinely expecting something more than mocking and the excitement at more material for Isabela's dreaded "friend fiction."

"Have you tried just telling him you like him?" Everyone stared at Varric as if he had suddenly gone mad. He shrugged, "Only a thought."

Decided that the topic wasn't nearly dirty enough for her liking Isabela went next, "Oh! You could pretend to be injured. Then, while he looks you over you could say you need a more thorough examination. Then, while he's looking you over you could grab him and push him against the wall and take-" 

Sebastian, thank the maker, interrupted. Hawke had facedesked at "thorough" and Varric had been too busy chortling to put a stop to it. "I think that's quite enough of that."

"There!" Hawke waved a finger roughly in Sebastian's direction, not raising his head from the desk, "That's exactly why he's here."

"Sorry little one, I forgot about your innocent little ears," More sniggering from Varric as Isabela decided that it was her sworn duty to destroy any from of self-respect Hawke might have for himself.

"I do not have innocent ears! I have innocent nothing!" Hawke raised his head from the table to glare at the pair of them, only causing them to smirk even more

"Ignore them Hawke, they're just trying to wind you up." Oh great, now even Sebastian was being patronising.

"Throwing a tantrum won't solve anything." Varric leant back in his chair, smiling smugly. It was all right for him, he had his stupid chest hair that no one seemed able to resist. Hawke couldn't even grow a beard. Not that he had tried and failed horribly, ending up with sort of patchy stubble. Even Anders seemed to have the ability to grow a proper beard if he wanted to. Not that he was at all bitter about it. No, he was perfectly happy being clean-shaven, or occasionally dark stubble on his chin and upper lip when it was behaving itself. Maybe he could grow a moustache? He ran a hand across the aforementioned stubble. Yeah, that wasn't very likely. Stupid Anders and his stupid manly stubble, Stupid Varric and his stupid, stupid, hypnotic, awesome chest hair, not that he cared of course.

"Stupid beards…" He muttered, only to look up and realise everyone was staring at him and up until that moment he hadn't said anything in a while. He coughed awkwardly, "I meant Anders'… It's so awesome and attractive and… Awesome…" He trailed off

"Of course you did honey." Isabela leant across and patted his hand, biting back a grin. Not for the first time Hawke made a mental note to find some new friends.

"All right, if we've finished playing embarrass Hawke as much as is humanly possible does anyone have any actual, vaguely helpful advice." The statement was followed by a long silence.

"Maybe he just doesn't like you…" Sebastian didn't sound like he wanted to say it but Hawke shot him a filthy glare, the effect of which may or may not have been ruined by Isabela and Varric's sniggering in the background; Hawke liked to think not.

At least Sebastian had the curtsy to look ashamed.

"Assuming that's not the case," He threw Sebastian another filthy look, "because if it is I'm blaming you two for making me look bad, maybe he's just not experience with this kind of thing or something." How could Isabela look innocent at his accusation while still fighting back a grin? Varric just shrugged finding bullying Hawke too much fun to even make an act at repentance.

It took him a moment to realise that Isabela's innocent expression had slipped to be replaced by a grin; not the amused, "teasing you is so much fun grin," but a grin that should have sent Hawke running for the hills. It was the grin that tended to make an appearance when she was plotting friend-fiction, or when she found out Carver had lost his virginity before Hawke (He was never going to forgive Bethany for letting that slip.) It was the "I'm going to ruin your life with just my words grin."

"Oh don't worry Hawke, Anders is far from inexperience." She leant forward eyes glinting.

"What do you mean?" Okay, looking back, even Hawke knew he walked into this one.

"Didn't he tell you, back in Ferelden we hooked up. Well, I say we, there were more than just the two of us. It was a real shame the Templars had to take him back to the Circle." She leant back, satisfied; her work here was done.

Hawke's eyes widened in horror as he processed the information, then he wished he hadn't. Oh Maker the images. Anders and Isabela, oh Maker.

He was suddenly aware of Varric snapping his fingers in front of Hawke's eyes, he actually looked slightly concerned "You all right? You haven't move in while."

Without warning Hawke stood up, still wide-eyed and refusing to look at Isabela. He took three steps, still trying to get the horrific images out of his head, and walked straight into Anders.

"Hawke," Anders looked pleased to see him, "You're leaving? I was hoping we could talk for a bit."

"Hello Anders" Isabela drawled from behind Hawke waving at the mage.

Anders leant around Hawke slightly, smiling at Isabela raising a hand in greeting before turning back to Hawke, "So will you stay for one more drink?"

Any other day Hawke would have been thrilled that Anders wanted him to stay. Today though, with Isabela's words still fresh in his head he all he managed was a strange strangled noise along the lines of "Gah-blurg-blu-meehhh…" Which, unsurprisingly enough get him a rather strange look from Anders.

"Are you all right Hawke?" Anders brow creased with worry.

"I… Home… Dog… Stay… Bad…" What kind of excuse for not hanging around was that? Even Hawke didn't have a clue what he was trying to say. However, deciding that was explanation enough for why he lost the ability to form coherent sentences, Hawke fled from the pub. Varric and Isabela grinned at each other in amusement. Sebastian, tried very hard to look disapproving of the aforementioned pair, while trying himself not to laugh and Anders was left standing, staring after him in confusion.


End file.
